well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
