just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
