I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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