Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
