The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
