I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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