AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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