Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
This girl is more easily done than said...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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