i think my mom watched the whole time
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
