i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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