Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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