Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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