guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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