He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
