Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
