I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
