Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
