Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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