Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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