I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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