I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
