He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
