I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
