You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I think my vagina is haunted
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
