Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
