if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
