i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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