he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
