Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
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