i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
