he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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