What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
