I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
