My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
