I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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