I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
