Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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