Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Randomize
