I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
