just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
