Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
