can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
