He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
