upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
