Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
