I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
