Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
