dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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