I want to make a zoo with you.
i already hear my dad disowning me
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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