cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
